Darkness...

when i started forget bout darkness,it will come again to me n tell me that darkness won't leave u since u have enter it... Darkness,a place which dark,even though there r ppl around u,but u seem like can't hear their voices,wondering...
i have been there since when i was little,that time i think i was 3-4 years old... i live at my aunty's hs becoz of family problem or mayb i'm an unwanted child... My uncle n aunty,they r very kind ppl but i prefer alone... i remember that night,i sleep at dining hall,is a raining night, becoz of that location is near to the mountain,i was afraid... suddenly a thunder appear... i was afraid,i cry n cry n keep calling "dad,mom" but they r not around me... Only my little pillow n rabbit with me... i was afraid... even though later my uncle ask me,am i ok,but i just pretend i'm sleeping... becoz i think from that time i already enter darkness.. a lonely darkness... don't know y? my memory about kindergarden life or primary school life from standard 1-6,i hav totally forget,i only remember bad memory... many awful bad memory...
Becoz of the incident on 5th of January 2003,i hav enter darkness again... more far than be4...
n the next day,i hav enter to secondary school,new environment,new location n new faces... i have separate with my primary friend(just 3 ppl only,they r ou yang pei,ou yang san n tan siow yee)... i have enter lonely darkness which ppl hard to communicate with me... enter my new class-1 Anggerik-one of the music class in my school... i less talk with my classmate coz they seem like know each other very well... 1st day when we hav choose to enter 1Anggerik,at Tapak Perhimpunan,i knew Joseline is my classmate again... n i know a girl who named she wei from taman connaught. even though i knew some friend in my class,but i prefer alone.. y? i also don't know... but "she" come to me... who is "she"? a girl who help me pull me from darkness n bring me light... until now,she still a mystery to me... haha,.. don't know y i hav this thought...
"She" is not my classmate but same year with me... we only same class during moral n chinese class... Her name is called Wong Ying Yin... she is kind n good person... she study another music class-1 Alamanda... She is the one who help me n introduce her friends to me... She seem like got mystery power that can know many ppl... She introduce her friends to me,they are Mooi Weng Kar n Kang Sin Mei... 4 of us from different class,Mooi Weng Kar-1 Tanjung,Kang Sin Mei-1 Matahari, Wong Ying Yin-1 Alamanda n Me-1 Anggerik. 4 of us always sit under the tree in front of Form 1 study block even thought every year our meeting place will change...(haha) Form 1 at form 1 study block,sitting under the tree. Form 2,pondok beside the surau. Form 3 also at there... Form 4 n Form 5 at canteen... but the things that never change is,every year,every day,be4 we finish our break time,we will go to washroom together... Ying Yin n Sin Mei always bring their handmade food to school. Sometimes i will brings food while Weng Kar only looking at us but she didn't eat. Becoz of Ying Yin,4 of us who from different class become very very friends until now... is mystery for me...
Ying Yin n I never same class except moral,chinese,pendidikan jasmani n music class... YinG Yin is a cheerful person who always smile,active person who know many activities such as ping pong, badminton n many others... Her smile will bring power n joy to me... i love when she smiles... well,of course,many ppl thought that i'm lesbian becoz like this.. but to me.. Ying Yin not only my friends,but she also my light,she pull me from darkness... I think my GOD has sent Ying Yin to me,to help a human who drop into darkness....
i thought i never go into darkness again until yesterday... "SHE"-the one who i most hate person in the world... always blame on me or scold me when she is not in good mood.. i knew that yesterday she in bad mood,i try to not get close to "SHE" but she still scold me... i can't tahan anymore n argue with "SHE".. then "SHE" says,where got a daughter talk like this to her mom.. i says;"i'm only ur enemy not ur daughter,did u thought me as ur daughter." end up with this conversation...
"SHE" never praise me,only scolding or laughing at me... when i'm Form 4 to Form 5,i started study harder to get good result,... i get 1st place in my class but "SHE" never praise me. i just lost 1st place in my class once time when i was Form5,but luckily "SHE" not around... even thought i get 6A in my SPM,"SHE" just will says:"ur brother's result r more better than u even thought he got 2A." from that word,that time,that hours,that minute,that seconds onward,i go into darkness again n i don't wan hear any word from her again n again... i don't wan wait again.. Waiting won't brings any result to me... it's will only let my heart become frozen,won't melt anymore.
right now,i'm facing my assignment,presentation n final exam stress,but becoz of yesterday,i hav drop into darkness... a darkness i feels like ntg important in this world except my exam result... i won't care about myself anymore since i don't hav value to live in this world... i'm only a things that waste $,that's all...
Will i be safe? Will i be pull from darkness by Ying Yin? i don't know... i only know that is everytime when i pray to my GOD,i pray that hopefully i can disappear from this world... haha,very funny.. ppl who don't wan die,but die.. ppl who wan die like me but can't die...
haha,funny.. really funny...